Day 24 – My Healing Journey

By the time my appointment came to meet with the radiologist, I was not in good physical shape to go anywhere, do anything, or even talk to anybody. The fourth treatment had really taken its toll and I could hardly get out of bed let alone get to the bathroom. My legs were so weak and shaky that I felt like I was going to fall to the ground every time I tried to stand up.

My sister had to take me to the meeting with the radiologist to discuss the protocol which would be an initial session the week before treatment to set up all of my specific measurements within their system. Apparently, they mark the area with a magic marker so they can make a mold for you.  This way they can position you precisely in the place they need you to be for the radiation beam.  That was a very interesting process to say the least and pretty amazing to think that they have it dialed in to the exact position of where the lumps were on my MRI.

I told the radiologist that I needed to postpone the start of the treatments and that I was in no shape to start something that was going to possibly make me even worse.  I told her that I needed a mental break and at least a month for my body to heal and allow me to regain some strength. They were very accommodating and didn’t rush me to make a decision, they just wanted me to know there was a time limit to obtain the best results.  They wanted me to get the mold done so that I would be ready to go when I decided to start so they could get me on the schedule.  I learned that when you start, they schedule you out in the exact same time slot every day. 

I didn’t particularly care for my radiologist, she felt disconnected and cold and her bedside manner was often non-existent. My emotions were running rampant by that time.  I was frustrated with the debilitating weakness and exhaustion and equally concerned about my ongoing knee pain.  I was trying to explain to her how difficult it was just to get out of bed and that on a day to day basis, I didn’t have alot of help.  

I was trying to hold it together, but I started to cry and instead of showing a bit of compassion and concern, her response was to ask me if I was mad.  I was a bit shocked, then I actually did become mad as I tried to explain to her how tough it was to live alone under the circumstances while trying to will your body to do your normal tasks without any cooperation.  I told her that was my problem all along and that it was very frustrating to not be able to be my old self.  My body had a mind of its own at that point and it was downright depressing.

She said that she would look into some home care. My response was to ask her why that hadn’t been an option after the first or second treatment. Why did I have to be at my all time worst?  I had only gotten weaker with each visit so that might’ve been a nice thing to offer two months ago. All she said was that she would check into it.

I was not impressed with the whole visit. I told her what the radiology oncologist had told me about aftercare and about the various creams that they had available to put on. One was a cooling gel, one was for dryness etc. I told her before I started my treatments that I wanted to be armed with those creams and I explained that no one had provided me relief items during the chemo but somehow they always came when it was too late.  She said not to worry about it and that they would provide them after the first treatment.

Since I had already been on that familiar path of no information and no solutions during chemo, I told her I wasn’t about to start the radiation treatments without being armed and dangerous. I told her that I wanted them in my possession now so there would be no mistake, no forgetting about it and no additional disappointments. She looked annoyed but had the technician bring them to me.

I told her I would call their office in a month and see how I felt and that if things were better for me, I would start my treatments.  I went home to try and nurse my body back to some sort of health.  I had given myself a month and at that point, I really didn’t care about much else.  I had already told myself that if I needed two or three months, I would surely take them.  That would be a gift I would give myself.