Day 21 – My Healing Journey

By this time, the day after shot was a no-brainer.  Pre-dose with hydrocodone, get to the clinic, get the shot, go home and get back into bed or on to the couch.

My legs were extremely weak and my knee was still bothering me so they had me schedule some physical therapy treatments. They came to my house twice a week and worked on my core.  I couldn’t lift my legs without shaking so they also had me do basic strength training exercises.  I was only able to do a few things but week by week, I got a little stronger.  My knee was still a problem; I was convinced I had torn my meniscus after my spa fall, but nobody seemed too interested in my opinion.  Since I had torn it previously in a skiing accident, I knew what it felt like, but still no one paid any attention to my concerns.

A week after my third chemo treatment, I was so weak and frustrated that I just broke down and cried. I was convinced that I could not do one more treatment, it was just too much for my body to handle and I really couldn’t see putting myself through that again. My white blood cell counts were still too low which meant yet another shot to try and bring them back up. While I was waiting for my second shot, I was trying to be very observant of all the people around me sitting in the waiting room.

I struck up a conversation with a woman who told me she was going through treatments for the third time in 10 years. She relayed her story about her diagnosis, her treatment and her family.  The whole time she was talking I was wondering how anyone would CHOOSE to go through it a second or even a third time.  It was abundantly clear that some people will do anything and everything in order to live no matter the cost.

At that moment, I had to ask myself whether I would even consider having to go through chemo again some time in the future.  I was having more than enough trouble completing the first one so I seriously doubted it and prayed I would never have to find out.

One thing I knew for sure was that I wanted to be a grandma and that I wanted to be around for my grandchildren.  After hearing what this woman had gone through, I told myself that I needed to pull myself together, take stock of what was most important to me and finish the treatment so that I could ensure some sort of longevity in my life.

I can say assuredly, if my doctor had recommended more than the four treatments that she did, I would not have been able to complete anything beyond the fourth.  It had sucked the life right out of my body and I truly believe anything more would have killed me.

I applaud the people that can do it and that have done it and I have the utmost of respect for them, I just know that I would not have been able to follow in their footsteps; at least not in my current situation and feeling the way I did.

Thanking my lucky stars that I only had one more infusion to get through, I realized that there are a lot of really strong people out there; at this point, I didn’t feel like I was on that team.