Assist or Fix?
On a daily basis, we are continually surrounded by and interacting with others who have problems. Some of our closest relationships have a multitude of problems. Unaware people often display an overly exaggerated sense of responsibility as if they alone are responsible for solving everyone else’s problems. They spend an exorbitant amount of energy trying to fix everyone else’s problems. The fact is that we didn’t cause those problems and it is not our responsibility to control those problems and we certainly cannot cure them or fix them.
I was one of those “fixers” for many years of my life until I realized that I wasn’t really helping others as much as I was hurting myself. For all the hours of worry, angst and time spent focusing on other’s issues and problems, I was robbing myself of the time needed to focus on and learn from my own issues. It also occurred to me that in a lot of the situations, my ego was clearly driving the decisions to jump in and try to assist others because I really had convinced myself that because I was outside the situation, I was better equipped to see the bigger picture and could “save” some of these people.
In most instances, I would always have a revelation after the fact and notice that my intervention didn’t accomplish what I had intended and at the same time, I didn’t allow the person to learn the lessons they were supposed to learn; instead they continually expected others like me to save them and they continued to be dependent on others to take on other problems and fix them as well.
Inner awareness has always been an intensely personal matter and I was finally able to come to the realization that people will deal with their problems only when the make a conscious decision to do so and only when they are ready to own and acknowledge the problems they face. If we swoop in and always offer up solutions and take care of things for them, they never have to take responsibility for their own lives, their choices that got them to the place of needing help, and moreover, they never get the benefit of the learning experience. Instead, they are quick to blame when things don’t go as they would like and pass the responsibility of the situation on to those who engage in the “fixing”.
I still occasionally forget and slip into my old pattern and start to “fix” a situation for someone close to me and then catch myself and realize that I need to take a step back from the situation and allow the person to take control of their own dilemma. This doesn’t mean that I now turn my back on my friends and family with problems, I just consciously choose to deal with things differently and only offer opinions when asked and to be a sounding board for possible solutions and scenarios for the person so they can examine their options and make their own conclusions and decisions. I am still always available for an assist, but definitely not a fix.
It has taken me many years and many “fixes” to finally make the conscious decision to see myself and all others as the Masters that we are. As a result, I now choose to honor other people’s choices and allow them the dignity of living as they choose to live and allowing them to make their own decisions no matter the outcome. I am happier and more content and they are much better off having to step up and face their own shadow situations, even if they are difficult and don’t always garnering the expected end result.
